Submission

Let me preface this first by saying/typing: I am STILL learning about submission--everyday. Christianity is a form of submission. When we accept Jesus into our lives, we are submitting to his authority and choosing his will. We are supposed to die to ourselves daily, so that He may live through us. Galatians 2:20 says "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me". Daily die to self. That's hard! When you see this verse and contemplate, marriage is sort of like that. We have to "die" (in a sense) to ourselves and put the needs of our husband and children in front of our own.   Pretty profound stuff, if you ask me. Studying this made me realize that I am not always submissive. I am weak in that area, but I'm working on it:) When I am weak, He is strong--so no worries! 


I approached this study by looking at the five W's: who, what, when, where, and why. 

WHO

Who should we be submissive to? 

God: “Submit yourselves then to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you.” James 4:7-8

One to another: “Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ”. Ephesians 5: 21

*This "one to another" verse is for marriages as well as fellow man. I had a hard time understanding this, honestly. I had to go to my husband and say "huh? How am I supposed to be submissive to you and you be submissive to me? I don't understand". He explained it to me in this way: In a company, in the Army, there is a commander and a sergeant major. The commander obviously outranks the sergeant major, but they do work together to manage the Company. The commander is in "command", while the sergeant major is "in charge". The commander has the overall authority, but the day-to-day operations are supervised by the sergeant major. So, you see, they are working, together. One is over the other, but they are managing the same team. Substitute commander for husband and sergeant major for wife in this example. I had an "oh, I get it" moment:) I hope you do too!                                           

            

Husband: “Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord”. Ephesians 5:22

Oh, snap! "as to the Lord"....Yes, that's what it says:)

Authority: “Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you.” Hebrews 13:17

I can think of many times that I have not been submissive to authority. In my teenage years, I was a little rebellious (as most of us were), and I can recall several instances where I was not submissive to not only my parents, but teachers as well. 

What about bosses? preachers? the President? Yes, we must submit, to all of their authority. 

Our husbands big BOSS is the President, Commander-in-chief! 

WHAT

What exactly does it mean to submit? 

Definition: the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.

***In one of my Bibles, the word "submit" is replaced with the word "humble". What a way to reveal the real meaning of the word! Humble yourself, submit to your husband. 

Humble: Marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful. Showing deferential or submissive respect: a humble apology. 

“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” Romans 12:10

Honor means to respect and love. 

Honor your husband and delight in it! 

Humble yourself, let go of your pride. 

Submit. 

What if my husband isn't saved? 

That's easy. That is addressed in 1 Peter. 

1 Peter 3: 1-9

“In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives,  as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.”

WHEN

When is submitting easy? hard? When you agree? disagree? 

Submitting is VERY easy when it is something that I agree with my husband on, but difficult if I do not agree. It's not difficult to "physically" commit to whatever my husband has said that I do not agree with, it's more emotionally hard for me to submit. FOR EXAMPLE, there is a television series that I like to watch that I know is spiritually wrong--I watched it anyway. My husband, who had never seen the show, came into the living room and watched a little of it with me. Within minutes, he was saying "this is spiritually wrong, it should not be coming into our house, etc". NOW, it is EASY for me to physically STOP watching this show that my husband asked me not to watch, BUT it is HARD for me to not get a little upset with him when he watches stuff that I don't think we should be watching in our home. Submission occurs in your mind first. If I don't agree with what my husband has said and put into effect in my home, and submit only "physically" but not emotionally, then there is potential for a root of bitterness to plant itself. We must be careful to submit wholeheartedly. If there is something that we do not agree with, with our husband, we can pray and ask God to reveal to our husband what we believe to be truth. In the case of the show, he's right:) He usually is:) 

I bet you want to know which television show I'm talking about:) LOL! 

Can you be submissive even when your husband is deployed/TDY? 

Yes, but there is more room for error when he is away. We can get into the "head of the home" mindset and believe we are entitled to do whatever it is we want. Not true. Away or home, your husband is still the spiritual leader of your household and we should still be submissive to him. If communication is scarce and you have a decision to make without inquiring your husband, pray first, and do what you know God and your husband would want you to do. You know how your husband thinks. You're married. Separation will not change his mindset. It shouldn't change yours. 

Is there a time to not submit to your husband? 

Obviously if your husband is asking you to break the law, then that is a time to not submit. 

A great example of a time a wife did not submit to her husband in the Bible, where the wife was right and the husband was wrong, is the story of Abigail and Nabal in 1 Samuel 25: 4-42. I encourage you to read it:)

Examples in the Bible of submitting to the proper authority: 

David and King Saul: David had MANY opportunities to kill King Saul, yet he didn't because he knew that King Saul was appointed by God. David was submissive to God and the authority that was placed over him.  

Military example in the Bible of someone that DID NOT submit to authority: Joab, the commander of David’s army. This man was the opposite of submissive. He killed, even when told not to. He avenged the death of his brother, ordered the death of one of David's sons, killed another commander of the army, placing himself back into leadership. 

WHERE

Where is submission to our husbands found in the Bible? 

1 Peter 3

Ephesians 5

Where are the areas in our lives that we need to submit to our husbands that we may still be holding onto? 

This next verse says that we are to submit in everything. Yes, everything. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, everything. 

“As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everthing”. Ephesians 5:24

Where do we fall in the “rank” of submission? 

I bet many of you have seen the J.O.Y. acronym hung on the walls of many churches and Sunday school classrooms: 

J.O.Y. 

Jesus first

Other’s second

Yourself, last! 

WHY

Why must we submit? 

Simple, the Bible tells us to do so. We are commanded to do so. Submission opens the door to many blessings. 

Why is it so hard to be submissive to authority in general? 

Our flesh is rebellious by nature, so of course this is something we will struggle with. Die daily to self. Renew yourself daily in the Word. Humble yourself. Honor others. 

Does being a military wife make it harder to submit? 

Sometimes. Again, we so often get in the routine of our husbands being gone and us being in charge. When they return, it's hard to transition into the right position again. I've caught myself thinking before "okay, okay, I will agree with him and do whatever it is because he'll be gone soon and I can do whatever I want to do anyway". I am absolutely in the wrong for even thinking this way, but I'm human--it happens. This is exactly how the enemy wants us military wives to think! This brings strife into our marriages because eventually our husbands come home and see what we have been doing our way and this brings on a whole new set of issues! 

Being submissive is a process, but it's a process that we can get through. 

Thank you, God, for your Word. Thank you for leading us in Your direction and transforming us into the wives You have called us to be! 

Respect

Respect
“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband”. Ephesians 5:33

Rank: Your husband falls into the pyramid of ranks in the military. Eventually, if not already, your husband will be in a position of leadership at his job. Due to the nature of the military, respect will ensue with rank and leadership positions. Like the military, there should be a rank system in your household. Picture God as an umbrella. He is your protective covering. Directly under the umbrella is your husband-then you-then children. If you defy the ranks, then you are out from under the protective covering of God, throwing the rest of the family out of balance. 

When you marry, you become one. The creation story is a beautiful representation of this: “The man (Adam) said, “this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man”. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” Genesis 2:23-24. 

As one flesh, you build your life together--ONE life--NOT TWO! You should share your dreams, not just by talking about them, but actually sharing the same dream (retirement goals, raising children, etc). When we are joined in marriage--there is nothing else just about yourself. Being selfish is out the door. It’s not about you anymore, it’s about us! In oneness, we are to build each other up--verbally, emotionally, and physically. Marriage is a team effort! 

T.E.A.M. Respect

T is for TONE

Ladies, our "tones" (to include both verbal and non-verbal indicators) set the atmosphere of communication between us and our spouse (Love and Respect, Dr. Eggerich). If your husband is having a bad day or even if he’s not, your tone could open the door for an argument OR quickly dissolve an issue that could potentially get out of hand. This is really hard to control at times when we have so many things working against us (PMS). It’s a daily, conscious effort---but we can do it! Your tone can save the day! 

Tone is a major indicator of respect! What if your husband had a lower ranking soldier speak to him the way we sometimes speak to them, rolling our eyes and using our best sarcastic accent? 

Is that showing respect? Something that we are commanded to do in Ephesians. Our tone is our responsibility--even when our husband has pushed all of your launch buttons! Our words/tone can build our husbands up or it can tear them down. Make a conscious effort to build up, not destroy! 
*Love and Respect is a book written by Dr. Emerson Eggerich. In the book, he addresses tone and how we communicate with our spouses. If you have not read this book, RUN-DO NOT WALK, to your nearest book store and purchase it! It is fantastic!!! I personally know TWO couples that have been on the brink of divorce that read this book and along with divine intervention, their marriages were saved! 

E is for EMOTIONS

You cannot depend on your husband to fulfill your emotional needs, especially if you are a military wife. We are alone way to much! Your emotions should be shared, but NEVER transferred to your husband. A lot of the emotional things that we deal with, runs deep. Talking to your husband will help, but getting to the root of the issue is necessary to deal with it and to not let it manifest in your attitude and how we treat others. The only one that can fill a void or provide emotional healing is God--Jehovah Rapha--the God that HEALS! 

We all deal with insecurities at one point or another--we are women! If you are having an insecure moment, you can fix it--if you want to, with help from the Father. You have the access to Him. All you have to do is ask. He will give you strength. “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my Savior, my God, my Rock in whom I take refuge, my Shield, and the strength of my salvation, my stronghold”. 

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you” 1 Peter 5:7

Deployment cares? Trust him! Do not fear (1John 4: 14-16)! Pray (Phillipians 4: 6-8)! 

Live daily with God. Train your mind to think as He thinks (Phillipians 2:5- “Let this mind be in you--which was also in Christ Jesus”). Renew your mind-- “Do not be conformed by the renewing of your minds so that you may be able to determine what God’s will is, what is proper, pleasing, and perfect” Romans 12:2.  

If your emotions are out of control, then everything else is out of control---to include your tone and how you respect your husband. 

A is for Atonement

Atonement is reconciliation or an instance of reconciliation between God and humans to make amends (Webster's). Reparation for a wrong or injury. Make amends, reconcile, become “at one”. Synonyms: redemption. 

What are some words that come to mind when you think of atonement? 

I think of forgiveness and humbleness. 

How many times in your marriage have you had to humbly approach your husband and ask for forgiveness or vice versa? I can recall a specific instance where I had hidden something from my husband for a few years. In the middle of a pregnancy and what seemed like twelve back-to-back deployments, I got bored. NOW, my husband is very anti-debt. We have an “emergency” credit card, but it’s never been used, well, as far as he knew! I LOVE retail therapy, so in the middle of my loneliness and boredom, I began to shop. Every item I bought began to be an “emergency” buy (yeah, right)! AND then, when I would get mad at myself for charging things to a credit card---I would blame my husband! Can you believe that??? I would blame him for not being home, blah blah! Needless to say, the bill got very steep AND I was totally convicted for keeping a secret from my husband--my BEST FRIEND! Fear kept me from confessing for two years, but one day he saw where I had made a payment and gently asked me about it. I confessed. I was terrified of how he would react, only because I knew the bond of trust was going to be broken and I knew that this selfish act was taking away from my family. I also knew that he would realize that I had been lying about this for quite sometime. I humbly confessed, watched my husband pay the card off, walked away, and cried in the shower. I was ashamed and I didn’t know if he would forgive me. In the midst of my crying, I felt arms come around me. I looked up and there stood my husband, holding me. He said “everybody makes mistakes and I understand why you did it. Please don’t do it again”. And he held me and forgave me and has NEVER brought it up again. Isn’t that a GREAT example of the kind of love and forgiveness offered to us from the FATHER? 

The ultimate example of atonement is Jesus himself paying our debt of sin (Ephesians 1:7-10)! You are forgiven---so is your husband, also a child of God. Both forgiveness and humbleness are verbs. They are actions that you must choose. You choose to forgive. You choose to be humble. Just like Jesus did when he hung on the cross. 

If we are not being humble, we are being prideful. “Pride goeth before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall” Proverbs 16:18. 

What happens when we don’t forgive? 

A seed of bitterness takes root and it’s a weed that will take over your whole being! “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive you your sins” Matthew 6:14-15. 

Father help us to forgive! This is not just husband related--this is in general, everyday life. 

Forgive! Forget! and move on! 

M is for MANAGEMENT

As a wife, we have a lot to manage--add kids and you add more things to do--add the military and your plate not only just got full--you need a second one for extras! 

How can we manage our lives in a way that nourishes our marriage and enables respect to flow freely? 

Start small. We’ve already talked about renewing our minds daily in the Word and praying. 

Let’s talk about everyday things that we can do: 

Keep a schedule. 

Manage your home---remember, you set the environment in the home. 

Meal plan

Get organized

All of these things make for a conducive environment to decrease stress and increase sanity:)

Remember that as a T.E.A.M member in your marriage to: Make a conscious effort to guard your tone. Be strong in the Lord, and your emotions will be strong. Be willing to forgive and reconcile your marriage--Atonement! And Manage what the good Lord gave you:) 

Devotion

Devotion

“Now devote your heart and soul to seeking the Lord your God”. 1 Chronicles 22:19

Devotion-  (as defined by Webster's) love, loyalty, or enthusiasm for a person, activity, or cause. Selfless affection and dedication to a person or principle. 

*We are going to break devotion down into three parts: love, loyalty, and enthusiasm. 

Devotion: Love

Topic Questions for discussion/reflection: 

1. Can your husband count on you for a lifetime? 
2. How serious are you about your wedding vows? Do you really love your husband for better or worse? 
3. Do you realize that when you and your spouse married, a covenant with God was made? 
4. Are you truly devoted to your husband and making your marriage work? 

Love conquers ALL things: even deployments (1 Corinthians 13). Separation from your spouse-no matter the length of time is hard--add to that the “danger factor” and we surpass “hard” and go straight to difficult! And to make matters worse, there are times when communication (one of the key aspects to a successful relationship) is completely cut off! Be devoted to love your husbands through this time. It’s difficult for us, so imagine how difficult it must be for them--away from family AND the comforts of home (safety, freedom, etc). We may not always have available communication with our husbands, but we ALWAYS have an open line to Christ! 

Love bears ALL things (1 Corinthians 13:7): Deployments are difficult on many levels, but in the big picture--they are just fragments of a lifetime. They are a part of your marriage story. Deployments can help develop a marriage, either negatively or positively, but development will occur. 

Devotion: Loyalty

“The man that finds a wife, finds a treasure and he receives favor from the Lord”. Proverbs 19:22

Loyalty- (Webster's) giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution. Synonyms: faithful, true, trusty, constant, devoted. 

Topic Questions for discussion/reflection:

1. Are you loyal to your husband? job? friends? 
2. What else are you loyal to? *I am loyal to some brands, i.e. Scott toilet paper! I will pay whatever the cost to have this type of tissue in my home:) Hilarious, I know! BUT--that is the truth! We are loyal to many things other than people! 

Showing constant support is an indication of loyalty. Military wives: this is our BIGGEST, most important job/duty! (Whether we want it to be or not). So, let’s embrace it! 

*We not only have to be loyal to our marriage and our husbands, but also their careers! 

As military wives, what are some ways we can show support? 

-encouragement -holding down the fort -PCSing -keeping our house in order -etc.

Loyalty & Covenants

*By societies rule, marriage is an institution, right? 

It’s a covenant with God!

Malachi 2:14 says that marriage is a covenant with God. Deuteronomy 7:9 says: “Know therefore that the Lord thy God, He is God, the faithful God, which keepeth COVENANT and mercy with them that love him and keeps his commandments to a thousand generations”. 

The Hebrew word for covenant here is briyth (ber-eeth). It means, in the sense of cutting--blood compact made by passing between pieces of flesh. 

“I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will acknowledge the Lord”. Hosea 2: 19-20. This is God telling us that he will betroth himself to us--he will (in a sense) marry us. Along with this marriage (between us and God) comes love, compassion, forgiveness, mercy, righteousness, faithfulness---all the characteristics that should be included in a marriage! God sets the perfect example! God is devoted to you-He is loyal to you-He loves you! 

Devotion: enthusiasm

Military wives, LISTEN UP!!! This verse is for you!!! “They that sow in tears shall reap in joy!” Psalms 126:5 

Deployments are NOT fun! Neither are weeks spent in the field. Deployments have a way of bringing out both weaknesses and strengths in a marriage. Though deployments are hard, we have something to look forward to! Homecoming! Retirement! Deployments do not last forever. We can make a conscious effort to be enthusiastic about these things: “Be joyful always, pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus!” 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18

Our attitudes can contribute both negatively or positively to the duration of the deployment. We all have bad days, but they can be few. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest” Matthew 11:28. Having a bad day? Go to Him! 

Be enthusiastic about the future! There are times of ill emotions, such as loneliness and depression, but that battle is not yours (2 Chronicles 20:15)! It’s Gods! 

“As the days wherein the Jews rested from their enemies, and the month which was turned into them from sorrow to joy, and from mourning into a good day; that they should make them days of feasting and joy and of sending portions one to another, and gifts to the poor.” Esther 9:22 

Our husbands will return and have rest from war. Our mourning will be turned to dancing and our sorrow into joy! 

Be devoted! 

Be loving! 

Be loyal! 

Be enthusiastic!